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So, it looks like viral vampires have overthrown dachshunds by a mere 5 per cent in the poll thus ending my undefeated status here at (un) Death-Match. To commemorate this moment, I made a video for David.
OK, I know it’s close. All day the polls have wavered by just a few percentage points between victory for dachshunds and victory for viral vampires.
It may be that desperate times call for desperate measures. But, really, David? The best you can come up with is that viral vampires are dachshund corpse jewelers? You just made sparkling vampires around the globe shake their heads at the state of bloodsucker affairs. For the record, I want you to run away, viral vampires. Not traipse around a runway with your messed up fashion statement.
As the talented Nic Boshart contends in a follow-up piece of MS Paint artwork, your creature of choice is suffering from a VIRUS. It makes a human ugly to look at but can’t spread to my dog.
FTW? I think not.
Vote on the left for dachshunds!
Leave a pro-dachshund (or, if you must, pro-viral vampire) comment here to win prizes! You have until midnight ET.
Barring a viral outbreak of Justin Cronin vampire proportions, humans face the very real fears of things like terrorist organizations, youth crime, biker gangs, etc. So, it came as no surprise to me when I read about a student throwing a puppy at a group of Hells Angels. Why? Well, how much money do you want to bet it was a dachshund?
As I’ve mentioned already, dachshunds have a long and distinguished history of hunting to take down specific prey.
What I’m about to share with you in classified information, people. Recently, when the Dachshund U.N. convened they weren’t just talking about the “Eradication of Hot Dog Costumes for the Advancement of Dachshund Dignity.”
No, they were talking about “Special Ops and Tactics in Preparation for Saving Dachshund’s BFF (a.k.a. Humankind).” Discussions included, but were not limited to, an overview of Surface-to-Air-Dachshund (S.T.A.D.) technology and aerial hunting capabilities.
In fact, these little canines are considered so dangerous, that these signs have been seen:
Finally, viral vampires have hearts, too. Nowhere have I read of one being able to take down a face like this:
Remember to leave a comment on any of the dacshund vs. viral vampire blog posts for a chance to win very! cool! prizes! Also, go vote for the four-legged on the left side of this page.
My esteemed colleague here at (un) Death-Match has argued eloquently on the matter of viral vampires vs. dachshunds. I will grant him my four-legged friends are the underdogs in this round. May I remind anyone who believes this is a situation that marks the demise of the dachshund in these proceedings that other underdogs have come out on top in the past:
Nobody expected Cujo to keep that family stuck in their car for three days.
Nobody expected Snoopy to be capable of shooting down the Red Baron thus ending the First World War.
Nobody expected Benji to outsmart the hunters.
The moral? Every dog has his day.
So let sleeping dogs lie, viral vamps. Let. Them. Lie.
(Make your vote count for dachshunds on the upper left side of this page. Also, all comments on the viral vampire vs. dachshund debate are being entered into a contest to win cool stuff.)
As anyone who has a dachshund in their life can attest, these little dogs may look funny compared to other dogs, but they should not be under-estimated. You know, the very way that a certain someone here has done.
Believe it or not, dachshunds were bred as hunting dogs. Their very name instills fear in their prey. And we’re not just talking rats. No, dachs in German refers to badgers, the vampires of the animal kingdom. And that “half a dog tall, two dogs long” shape has a distinct purpose. One that could be easily re-purposed for taking down not just Bunnicula but also viral vampires.
It may be easy to laugh at their little bodies, but other foe have done so…to their demise.
Remember, friends of dachshunds, vote for the four-legged at the top left of this page.
And don’t forget that we’re running a contest during this mini-round. Best comments for pro-dachshund and pro-viral vampire will win cool stuff.
My friends on this blog are scared to read both after dark. Why? Because of the viral vampires contained within the pages of the above.
To that I say, in the eloquent words of Deanna: pffft.
So, in a mini (un) Death-Match round, David S. Ward will be defending these so-called menaces. I’m putting aside werewolves this round to contend that there is another creature, dear to my heart, that could open up a can of Whoop Ass™ on these new fiends: dachshunds.
That’s right. Because after having recovered recently from another virus called conjunctivitis or, in laymen’s terms, pinkeye I’m pretty sure my four-legged friend is fiercer.
So there you have it. Voting is now open. Cast your vote in the poll on the upper left side of the page (for dachshund, of course).
Oh, and we’re offering prizes! Best pro-dachshund and pro-viral vampire comments throughout the round will win stuff. So go comment below or on any of the other upcoming posts in this round.
Push it hard.
Here I am months later accepting complete and utter defeat. The werewolves not only bested my vampires, but also Tan’s angels, and I’m 100% sure they’d kick ass at any other supernatural being we throw at them.
I never thought it would be possible. How could a drooling, toothy, flea-bitten wolf-man-beast hybrid could be seen the better of my cultured, deceptively gorgeous, literary, smart, and all kinds of other adjectives you know you want me to list, vampires.
Now, that’s not to say that we won’t have a Great Undeath Match Redux when certain authors (ahem, Del Toro and Hogan) publish the next book in the series and try to take those pesky furballs down again. Don’t let anyone tell you I’m not already packing ammunition in the form of vowels and consonants these days. You better bet I am. What? Did I say that out loud?
For now, here are some things I am willing to admit:
1. Kelley Armstrong has an awesome and rightfully justified fan base. Kudos to Katie for picking the right book — it’s not just about the creature peeps, it’s about what the writer does with them, right? Right.
2. Even I am willing to admit that Benicio Del Toro makes an awesome looking werewolf, even if the film’s getting lacklustre reviews.
3. Not even the pre-tween masses who love a little book called Twilight could propel me to victory. Now that’s saying something.
4. I really thought Tan and her angels had a shot.
5. If Dracula, the ultimate undeath match hero, can’t be in it to win it, what hope did we ever have.
So, I tip my hat, my fangs, my irrational lust for Alexander Skarsgård, to you Katie. You are victorious, indeed.
But what now?
Well, it’s up to you sweet readers. What Undeath Match do you want to see next? Which creatures would you pit up against one another and defend for their lives? What author has a fantastic book or series we might have missed that truly calls out to be defended, supported and then promoted?
We’re looking for guest posts, guest smackdowns, suggestions, and anything else that you might have to say to us over the next few weeks. Email me or Katie with your ideas (deanna [dot] mcfadden [at] harpercollins [dot] com or krugerkat [at] gmail [dot] com) and we’ll have a user-generation whale of time these next couple months.
This is a pretty big month for Undeath Match at the box office. Deanna, Katie and I are all pretty excited about the release of Daybreakers, Wolfman and Legion respectively. (But really, were all pretty excited for all three of these movies!) So we just had to know which of these movies you, our Undead Devotees, are most excited for. Check out the trailers below, and vote in our mini-poll.
Before we unveil round 3 of (un) Death-Match, I thought I’d squeeze in one final anti-vampire post just to put the last nail in the proverbial coffin. Here are the top 10 completely irrational phobias that vampires have, making them the hypochondriacs of the undead world: (Thanks to @ssmith on Twitter for being my muse on this one.)
10. Photophobia (sunlight): Sun goes up, vampires cringe. Have they never heard of sunblock? This fear is unsurprising, really. As I’ve said before, vampires are pretentious. Since they come mostly from aristocracy, historically speaking, tans were a sign that you worked out in the field. Who ever heard of a peasant vampire?
9. Alliumphobia (garlic): It’s a good thing for them that vampires aren’t able to digest any real food because some of the best recipes I can think of include garlic. I’m pretty sure this has everything to do with image again. They want people to fear them for their presence, not recoil from bad breath.
8. Aichmophobia (sharp objects): Every kid is taught to not run with sharp objects. In the case of vampires specifically, maybe they need some PSAs with safety reminders on how to carry wooden sticks. I can only imagine how they’d react to a splinter.
7. Staurophobia (crucifixes): Or maybe it’s actually symbolophobia, the fear of symbolism. Like what sparkles represent in the decline of terror in vampire lore.
6. Hydrophobia (water): Holy water to be exact. Combined with the previous fear, I suspect they’re also theophobic (aka afraid of religion). Which is probably another reason why they can’t win round 2, what with the holidays upon us. Want to date a vampire? Forget about ever checking out Vatican City. And trust me, the Sistine Chapel is something you want to see IRL.
5. Enochlophobia (crowds): If we’re being honest here, it’s not just the angry mobs. Crowds are simply too bourgeois for vampires.
4. Arsonphobia (fire): The very thing that defines human civilization is the thing that vampires shun. Without fire we would never have come out from our caves. Kind of a slap in the face to human society to shun our humble yet innovative beginnings, isn’t it? You think you’re too good for our fire, vampires? Well, maybe our blood is too good for you, too.
3. Argyrophobia (silver): True, werewolves have a similar fear of silver. In bullet form. Kind of a big difference between that and a little bit of bling.
2. Traumatophobia (injury): Considering all the fears above, no wonder vampires only come out at night. They must be nervous wrecks.
1. Commitmentphobia: A word of advice to vampires here. Nobody likes a person, undead or not, who commits a dine and dash. In the words of Beyoncé, “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.”
So, there you have it. A roundup of why vampires should truly be henceforward known as wimpires and lose to the awesome prowess of werewolves.
Keep posted for details of round 3 of the (un) Death-Match smackdown tomorrow.
Katie and I became slightly enraged talking to one another (not AT one another) about New Moon. As it’s been well documented, I think this film is one giant sparkle away from complete suckage, but who am I to begrudge the tween girls their indulgences. Wait…that’s exactly what we do below. So, without further ado, Katie and I go head-to-head with the Twihards. We fully expect backlash. Indeed, we do.
Good afternoon friend. So, I hear you’ve had the pleasure of seeing New Moon. There’s just one thing I want to point out before we start our undeath match unreview — that director Chris Weitz has been saying all over the place that if people just don’t like and/or get the film it’s because it’s not made for them — it’s for the “fans.” Personally, I think this is just one giant cop out.
Um, wow. That’s, like, a supernatural-sized cop out. Would you care for a slice of humble-pie with that statement? I get that he was burned pretty badly by his work on The Golden Compass but, come on, dude. That’s like saying people who hate the Twilight series of books just aren’t “fans” of the genre. A good movie is a good movie. And a bad one is a rotten tomato.
Likewise for books. And, for the record, that doesn’t mean a bad movie or book can’t be a commercial success.