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So, it looks like viral vampires have overthrown dachshunds by a mere 5 per cent in the poll thus ending my undefeated status here at (un) Death-Match. To commemorate this moment, I made a video for David.

OK, I know it’s close. All day the polls have wavered by just a few percentage points between victory for dachshunds and victory for viral vampires.

It may be that desperate times call for desperate measures. But, really, David? The best you can come up with is that viral vampires are dachshund corpse jewelers? You just made sparkling vampires around the globe shake their heads at the state of bloodsucker affairs. For the record, I want you to run away, viral vampires. Not traipse around a runway with your messed up fashion statement.

As the talented Nic Boshart contends in a follow-up piece of MS Paint artwork, your creature of choice is suffering from a VIRUS. It makes a human ugly to look at but can’t spread to my dog.

FTW?

FTW? I think not.

Vote on the left for dachshunds!

Leave a pro-dachshund (or, if you must, pro-viral vampire) comment here to win prizes! You have until midnight ET.

OK. I’m not pulling any punches here. It’s no holds barred because today is the final day to get your votes in to support the anatomically perfect, literal underdogs and weapons of mass destruction that are dachshunds.

Also, you’ll want to get your comments in to be entered into our contest for free stuff like these dachshund note cards and Justin Cronin’s The Passage. Just let us know why you think dachshunds or viral vampires should win. Closes at midnight ET.

Here’s an artist’s rendition of dachshund victory by my talented friend, Nic Boshart, at FTPubW:

WARNING

NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

FTW

Ball’s in your court, David. Just don’t say “fetch” like the guy in the picture above did.

Barring a viral outbreak of Justin Cronin vampire proportions, humans face the very real fears of things like terrorist organizations, youth crime, biker gangs, etc. So, it came as no surprise to me when I read about a student throwing a puppy at a group of Hells Angels. Why? Well, how much money do you want to bet it was a dachshund?

As I’ve mentioned already, dachshunds have a long and distinguished history of hunting to take down specific prey.

A double-barreled shotgun & dachshund

What I’m about to share with you in classified information, people. Recently, when the Dachshund U.N. convened they weren’t just talking about the “Eradication of Hot Dog Costumes for the Advancement of Dachshund Dignity.”

A sign of hope for dogs and mankind

No, they were talking about “Special Ops and Tactics in Preparation for Saving Dachshund’s BFF (a.k.a. Humankind).” Discussions included, but were not limited to, an overview of Surface-to-Air-Dachshund (S.T.A.D.) technology and aerial hunting capabilities.

In fact, these little canines are considered so dangerous, that these signs have been seen:

Dachshund Free Zone

Finally, viral vampires have hearts, too. Nowhere have I read of one being able to take down a face like this:

❤ melts...

Remember to leave a comment on any of the dacshund vs. viral vampire blog posts for a chance to win very! cool! prizes! Also, go vote for the four-legged on the left side of this page.

Literally.

My esteemed colleague here at (un) Death-Match has argued eloquently on the matter of viral vampires vs. dachshunds. I will grant him my four-legged friends are the underdogs in this round. May I remind anyone who believes this is a situation that marks the demise of the dachshund in these proceedings that other underdogs have come out on top in the past:

Nobody expected Cujo to keep that family stuck in their car for three days.

Nobody expected Snoopy to be capable of shooting down the Red Baron thus ending the First World War.

Nobody expected Benji to outsmart the hunters.

And nobody expected Timmy to really be stuck in that well. (Or that Lassie had some kung fu moves.)

The moral? Every dog has his day.

So let sleeping dogs lie, viral vamps. Let. Them. Lie.

(Make your vote count for dachshunds on the upper left side of this page. Also, all comments on the viral vampire vs. dachshund debate are being entered into a contest to win cool stuff.)

As anyone who has a dachshund in their life can attest, these little dogs may look funny compared to other dogs, but they should not be under-estimated. You know, the very way that a certain someone here has done.

Believe it or not, dachshunds were bred as hunting dogs. Their very name instills fear in their prey. And we’re not just talking rats. No, dachs in German refers to badgers, the vampires of the animal kingdom. And that “half a dog tall, two dogs long” shape has a distinct purpose. One that could be easily re-purposed for taking down not just Bunnicula but also viral vampires.

It may be easy to laugh at their little bodies, but other foe have done so…to their demise.

Remember, friends of dachshunds, vote for the four-legged at the top left of this page.

And don’t forget that we’re running a contest during this mini-round. Best comments for pro-dachshund and pro-viral vampire will win cool stuff.

First there was The Strain, now it’s The Passage.

My friends on this blog are scared to read both after dark. Why? Because of the viral vampires contained within the pages of the above.

To that I say, in the eloquent words of Deanna: pffft.

So, in a mini (un) Death-Match round, David S. Ward will be defending these so-called menaces. I’m putting aside werewolves this round to contend that there is another creature, dear to my heart, that could open up a can of Whoop Ass™ on these new fiends: dachshunds.

That’s right. Because after having recovered recently from another virus called conjunctivitis or, in laymen’s terms, pinkeye I’m pretty sure my four-legged friend is fiercer.

So there you have it. Voting is now open. Cast your vote in the poll on the upper left side of the page (for dachshund, of course).

Oh, and we’re offering prizes! Best pro-dachshund and pro-viral vampire comments throughout the round will win stuff. So go comment below or on any of the other upcoming posts in this round.

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