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Cute? Yes. Vicious, NO. The Dachshund is inferior in every way to the viral vampire. Cuteness dies in the face of horror; blood, snot, and viscera. The final day of voting is here for Viral Vampires versus (barf) Dachshunds. And if you had ANY doubts who would win in an out-and-out fight, well, dogs make nice jewellery, especially ones with dead eyes:

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A Treatise Concerning the Superiority and Presence of Fear Inescapable of the species Homo Sapiens Sapiens Vampirus Viralis over that Most Inferior and Oddly shaped sub-Species of Canis Familiaris, the Dachshund.

Part the Second – The Origins of Homo Sapiens Sapiens Vampirus Viralis in the Literature of the Colonies: Legendarum sum, or I Am Legend

It has recently come to my Attention, that the argument for the Dachshund, and its Base and Cute-driven proclivities has Taken a turn for what Ms Kruger has Labelled “Scientifick”. I Cough and Sputter at said Statements, and instead Turn you towards the Writings, most Interesting and Terrifying, of a Mr Richard Matheson of California, formerly New Jersey, by way of Norwegian extraction, the Colonies.


In the mid-1950s, Matheson brought to Us a work of seminal Horror and Brutality, akin to Dracula in terms of its Influence and Role in the world of Vampirick fiction. The Book, and I Tip my Hat to Mr Matheson’s Brilliant and Excellent choice of Words most Simple and effective, is entitled I Am Legend, and is a Classic of the Genre, influencing many a Book, Moving Picture (the Horrible excrescence The Omega Man, notwithstanding – I promise you, Gentle Reader, that there exists in the Book not a single Mention, either implied or forthright, of a Hot Rod). The Premise is Simple, albeit terrifying: the Apocalypse has come to the Near Future, and a Certain Mr Neville does his Best to survive in a World overrun by the Plague to end all Plagues: Vampirism.

While I have referenced the Toxick biologickal origins of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis as it refers to Disease, paying particular attention to those of Sexual origin, I Am Legend presents what I believe to be the First example of a World overrun with Vampires (certainly not a base sub-Species of canine familiaris), and of the Social and Apocalyptick themes and Tropes bound up in this Lofty Theme. A fáth airicc, indeed, though I doubt Mr Matheson is at All aware of the previously Mentioned Celtick literary term (apparently, Literary Terms need not all necessarily be of Gallic or Germanic Origin, offering no Offense to my Compatriots across the Ocean in the Halls of Paris or Berlin, excepting, for the Moment, their entirely useless Teams of Foot-the-ball).

The Book was also Made into a Moving Picture itself, with Will Smith as the the main Actor, and in many ways, he was the entirety of the Dramatis Personæ. The Film, and it is not without Merit, for it is terrifying and full of Horror, differs from the Book in a truly Substantial Way. The Vampires in I Am Legend are Cogent and in full Possession of Their Critical faculties, if somewhat Twisted and Debased by the Presence of the Vampirick Disease within their Bloodstreams. Those in the Film are far more Akin to Zombies, another Horrifying creature (and certainly More brutal and blood-Curdling than the squat, sausage-shape Dachshund), though Far more Powerful (please Recall, that the Zombie, by itself, is a Containable Creature – it is far easier to Control, and even Subdue, when in Small Numbers – the threat of the Zombie, is, of course, the Horde). They exist in Vast Numbers.

The Horde, of course, is the True terror of the Viral Vampire. While many Books and Moving Pictures, and many of them are quite Wonderful, if terror-Inducing, have Spent a great Deal focusing on the Vampire as a Solitary Creature of nocturnal Disposition, those of the Viral sort Become all the more Brutal when One Considers their Sheer numbers. There are over Six Billion people on Earth, and the threat of Disease, especially of one which Turns the Populace into a Ravenous, blood-Craving Horde, cannot Help but remove vast Quantities of Humours from the Body, and cause the Hairs to Bleach, and even Eject themselves from the Body, to say Nothing of the Digestive Tract and its Associated Ejection System, but I leave that Entirely to Your imaginations.

Mr Matheson set the Groundwork for the Terror, and to him I tip my hat, yet Again. The Dachshund is, at Best, a sub-Species, and its Numbers come nowhere Close to the possibility of Total Infection. While Canis familiaris is a Pack animal, and I do Acknowledge this, the Dachshund is Hardly threatening the Countryside in Vast numbers of slathering Beasts. The Premise of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis induces Fear by the conception of both the Apocalypse and Simple Mathematicks. Every person, every man, woman, and Child, is a Potential victim in the Presence of a Vampirick plague; and the Dachshund falls Flat. Leave it to its Tunnel-boring and Badger-hunting, because That is where the Viral Vampire will find it. And it will find it.

All 6,000,000,000 of them.

A Treatise Concerning the Superiority and Presence of Fear Inescapable of the species Homo Sapiens Sapiens Vampirus Viralis over that Most Inferior and Oddly shaped sub-Species of Canis Familiaris, the Dachshund.

Part the First – Preliminaries

Born from Imaginations bred in thoughts Apocalyptick, with no Little reliance upon the World at its End and the ultimate Extinction of our own and noble Homo sapiens sapiens, the presence of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis in the Literature and Moving Pictures (a most Noble enterprise in the history of our Telling of Stories, it must be said) is both New and all but Methuselan. We have here Stories of Terror and great Fear stemming from our Own innate Horror at the presence or possible Invasion of Toxick substances, whether of Biologickal or Chemickal origin, within our own Bloodstream, changing and Mutating our own Physickal manifestations.

The stories Stem, at their earliest, with the Fear inherent in the disease of Syphilis, largely brought to Us by the ravings of a Drunken, bearded man of Hibernian origin (though, it must be Said, he did spend a Great deal of his Time within the confines of his Saxon masters) in his Seminal Book of Terror, Dracula. This is, Of course, Bram Stoker. Diseases of the Blood, in this case an entirely Physickal terror, ran rampant and Untended in Stoker’s imagination and provided the Impetus, or as his Hibernian forefathers described in that most Noble yet positively Unreadable and Unpronounceable Celtick language, Gaeilge, the fáth airicc, an Untranslatable Linguistick term that we might Render as cause of composition. Stoker, and Rightly so, saw Syphilis sive morbus gallicus, which damages the heart, Aorta, brain, eyes, and Bones if left untreated, a perfect Impetus, causing, as it did, a great Number of men and women both Illness and Death and the time of his Writing. The Disease was horror enough, and yet Stoker brought it to his Writing through the unnatural Physickal manifestation of a Folklorick monster and a Prince of Wallachian origin, whose Violence and Inhumanity are Well known in books of History and do not bear Repeating here.

The Character of Count Dracula is the first major Metaphorick representation, and I thank here Aristotle for his Brilliant categorizing and Classification of the Metaphor, of human Disease as a Terrible and Ignoble fictional disease, which we now label Vampirism. Yes, arguments could be Made for the writings of another Hibernian, Le Fanu, and we Must wonder here about the Obsession with several Irish writers and this Horrific Subject, but I leave that for the World of Academe and its Ivory Tower of Ignorance, tea, and musty Old robes reeking of the most vicious of Human humours. I will not Focus on the Folklorick origins of Vampirism here; many books and other Media exist solely for this Purpose, I raise the issue only as it was Stoker’s fáth airicc, and that the notion that Vampires are viral and Representative of concepts Medical, regardless of their Supernatural origin, is nothing New to the world of Vampirick fiction. Today we are Faced with similarly Horrible and Brutal diseases, some of Origins sexual, some not, and this is Reflected in vampiric Fiction of late.

That syphilis is a disease of the Sexual humours should not go Unnoticed, and nor has it or the Obvious sexual Metaphor of the vampire Itself. Again, I leave these Musings to Others, and will state Here only that the Metaphor of diseases Sexual is a Primary foci of the fictionalized Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis, though is by no Means, the only one, especially in Days like our own where Diseases of all Manner and Origin fly through the air, Live in both our Solid and liquid Nourishments, come to us through touch, and these not Limited to touches Sexual, and through all the Humours contained within our Earthly forms. Their Results are likewise Kaleidoscopick and Varied, presenting all Manner of horror within Fiction.

Before I Ruminate on a later book of viral Vampiric fiction, this one from only the Last Century, rather than the late Victorian Period, I would like to spend some Small time on the Subject of the ignoble Dachshund. I speak, of course, Only about its Inferiority as Comparison to the Monstrous subject Above, for the Dachshund does Hold a Purpose, even if this has largely been Abandoned, and to be far more Frank, thrown to the Winds in the face of Modernity and dwelling in Homes of Steel and glass. The Dachshund was Raised for the Killing and rendering into Pulps viscous and Pulsing of Meles meles, and at a Later time, of Taxidea taxiswhen it was First introduced to the New World and the Colonies contained Therein, and Also, it must be noted, of Rattus rattusand Rattus norvegicusthroughout the World. In brief, the Dachshund was Raised for the express purpose of Killing and hunting both badgers and rats; the etymological origins of its Subspecies of Canis familiarisinclude both the Terms badgerand hound, and the Creature was bred to destroy bottom and Underground dwellers. It is a Chthonic hunter, hence, I hope you See, oh Noble Reader, its Falling from grace to what is Largely considered to be one of the Cutest of dogs, rather than as a Destroyer of Vermin, living as it does in what are now mainly Urban domiciles.

Fear and viciousness are Not at all mentioned in discussions of the Dachshund, favouring instead the Squealing and incessant Petting by their Owners of one the more Amusing examples of the species. It is difficult for me to Fathom how the presecnce of a such a Comickal creature could Incite feelings of anything but Glee and gaiety, and certainly not Terror. While I will speak at a later Time more of its Physickal inferiority, even within a Fictional context, compared to the viral Vampire, I ask you to Ruminate and consider something as Basick as Size. I would consider it completely Natural (or even Supernatural, if you will Allow me the Indiscretion) for an example of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralisto waste not a Moment’s time, if it found Itself faced with even a Pack of Dachshunds, to break them as One might a Christmas cracker, and adorn themselves with their Skulls and spines, as we might adorn cloth of Great value, or even a Sock.

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