A Treatise Concerning the Superiority and Presence of Fear Inescapable of the species Homo Sapiens Sapiens Vampirus Viralis over that Most Inferior and Oddly shaped sub-Species of Canis Familiaris, the Dachshund.

Part the Second – The Origins of Homo Sapiens Sapiens Vampirus Viralis in the Literature of the Colonies: Legendarum sum, or I Am Legend

It has recently come to my Attention, that the argument for the Dachshund, and its Base and Cute-driven proclivities has Taken a turn for what Ms Kruger has Labelled “Scientifick”. I Cough and Sputter at said Statements, and instead Turn you towards the Writings, most Interesting and Terrifying, of a Mr Richard Matheson of California, formerly New Jersey, by way of Norwegian extraction, the Colonies.


In the mid-1950s, Matheson brought to Us a work of seminal Horror and Brutality, akin to Dracula in terms of its Influence and Role in the world of Vampirick fiction. The Book, and I Tip my Hat to Mr Matheson’s Brilliant and Excellent choice of Words most Simple and effective, is entitled I Am Legend, and is a Classic of the Genre, influencing many a Book, Moving Picture (the Horrible excrescence The Omega Man, notwithstanding – I promise you, Gentle Reader, that there exists in the Book not a single Mention, either implied or forthright, of a Hot Rod). The Premise is Simple, albeit terrifying: the Apocalypse has come to the Near Future, and a Certain Mr Neville does his Best to survive in a World overrun by the Plague to end all Plagues: Vampirism.

While I have referenced the Toxick biologickal origins of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis as it refers to Disease, paying particular attention to those of Sexual origin, I Am Legend presents what I believe to be the First example of a World overrun with Vampires (certainly not a base sub-Species of canine familiaris), and of the Social and Apocalyptick themes and Tropes bound up in this Lofty Theme. A fáth airicc, indeed, though I doubt Mr Matheson is at All aware of the previously Mentioned Celtick literary term (apparently, Literary Terms need not all necessarily be of Gallic or Germanic Origin, offering no Offense to my Compatriots across the Ocean in the Halls of Paris or Berlin, excepting, for the Moment, their entirely useless Teams of Foot-the-ball).

The Book was also Made into a Moving Picture itself, with Will Smith as the the main Actor, and in many ways, he was the entirety of the Dramatis Personæ. The Film, and it is not without Merit, for it is terrifying and full of Horror, differs from the Book in a truly Substantial Way. The Vampires in I Am Legend are Cogent and in full Possession of Their Critical faculties, if somewhat Twisted and Debased by the Presence of the Vampirick Disease within their Bloodstreams. Those in the Film are far more Akin to Zombies, another Horrifying creature (and certainly More brutal and blood-Curdling than the squat, sausage-shape Dachshund), though Far more Powerful (please Recall, that the Zombie, by itself, is a Containable Creature – it is far easier to Control, and even Subdue, when in Small Numbers – the threat of the Zombie, is, of course, the Horde). They exist in Vast Numbers.

The Horde, of course, is the True terror of the Viral Vampire. While many Books and Moving Pictures, and many of them are quite Wonderful, if terror-Inducing, have Spent a great Deal focusing on the Vampire as a Solitary Creature of nocturnal Disposition, those of the Viral sort Become all the more Brutal when One Considers their Sheer numbers. There are over Six Billion people on Earth, and the threat of Disease, especially of one which Turns the Populace into a Ravenous, blood-Craving Horde, cannot Help but remove vast Quantities of Humours from the Body, and cause the Hairs to Bleach, and even Eject themselves from the Body, to say Nothing of the Digestive Tract and its Associated Ejection System, but I leave that Entirely to Your imaginations.

Mr Matheson set the Groundwork for the Terror, and to him I tip my hat, yet Again. The Dachshund is, at Best, a sub-Species, and its Numbers come nowhere Close to the possibility of Total Infection. While Canis familiaris is a Pack animal, and I do Acknowledge this, the Dachshund is Hardly threatening the Countryside in Vast numbers of slathering Beasts. The Premise of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis induces Fear by the conception of both the Apocalypse and Simple Mathematicks. Every person, every man, woman, and Child, is a Potential victim in the Presence of a Vampirick plague; and the Dachshund falls Flat. Leave it to its Tunnel-boring and Badger-hunting, because That is where the Viral Vampire will find it. And it will find it.

All 6,000,000,000 of them.

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