Deanna recently pointed out an article at The Independent that basically says angels are the new vampires. The writer seems to think that the days of Nosferatu are numbered and that they’ll be replaced in pop culture by the winged. When asked why the upsurge in angelic literature, one interviewee supposed it was because “people find (angels) very approachable.”

Approachable. SRSLY?

There are so many things wrong with that sentence. First, I’m not looking for an undead creature to go to Glee club with me, even if they do have a millennia of experience in a choir of angels. Second, have you seen the creeptastic angels in Legion? Approachable? Hardly.

Photo credit: airpark from Flickr

So, are angels the new vampires? I’m going to throw you a curve ball here and say yes. And here’s why: because they’ve both got image issues.

Let’s look at the facts. Historically speaking, angels represent two extremes: there’s the white gowned, haloed goody-two-shoes on one shoulder and the horned, pitch-fork bearing devil on the other. Never the twain shall meet.

One-dimensional? You know it.

You want to talk about hierarchy of angels? Well, here’s the word straight from HR: angels are all essentially cubicle employees. In fact, Douglas Coupland could write a book about them. When it comes right down to it, they’re merely cogs in the wheels of the universe doing the same basic jobs but for different corporations: Heaven Inc. and Hell Corp.

In Heaven Inc., angels work in cubicles constructed of cloud walls where motivational posters float with positive statements beneath pictures of unicorns and rainbows. And that “Hang in there!” kitten struggling to stay on a branch.

Conversely, Hell Corp. employees work surrounded by walls made of fire. They don’t have posters at all (you know, because of the fiery surroundings) but instead are made to read e-newletters about employees of the month. Pat Robertson is January’s lead contender. And Fox News is streamed into desktop monitors 24/7.

Disgruntled? You bet. How do you think Hell Inc. started in the first place? It was the result of a failed corporate coup by Lucifer and his lackeys. You know the kind of guy he is, the one who calls in a bomb threat just to get a day off work. Well, here’s the flaw in the plan: most bosses aren’t omniscient. In the words of the Trump: “You’re fired!” (see what I did there?) Since Heaven Inc. was the only place hiring at the time, to continue employment Lucifer had to found his own competing firm: Hell Corp.

The point is, angels are all serfs to a corporate CEO. And the only two career choices they have are Assistant to the Manager (Heaven Inc.) or Assistant to the Manager (Hell Corp.). I’m going to channel fellow blogger Deanna here for a moment and just say, “Yawn.”

Werewolves, on the other hand, represent the more realistic rift between two extremes. Might I add: without the aid of props like blazing swords and fluffy wings? They’re slaves to no one’s agenda. They are the risk-takers who do things we can only dream of—and I’m not just talking about cool but ultimately slacker jobs like “resort waterslide tester.” They’re the supernatural creatures you envy. The ones that others want to emulate but with whom they would never, ever even dare try to make an outright direct comparison.

So, yeah, angels can be the new vampires. I’ll give them that. (If you follow this blog, you know what happened to vampires in the last round.) Heck, angels can be the new black for all it matters in this conversation. The point is that no supernatural creature can contest their equivalence to werewolves. Werewolves are simply in a league of their own. I say step up to the plate, angels. Show me what you’ve really got ’cause it’s game on.

[Vote werewolf today at the top left of this page.]

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