Before we unveil round 3 of (un) Death-Match, I thought I’d squeeze in one final anti-vampire post just to put the last nail in the proverbial coffin. Here are the top 10 completely irrational phobias that vampires have, making them the hypochondriacs of the undead world: (Thanks to @ssmith on Twitter for being my muse on this one.)
10. Photophobia (sunlight): Sun goes up, vampires cringe. Have they never heard of sunblock? This fear is unsurprising, really. As I’ve said before, vampires are pretentious. Since they come mostly from aristocracy, historically speaking, tans were a sign that you worked out in the field. Who ever heard of a peasant vampire?
9. Alliumphobia (garlic): It’s a good thing for them that vampires aren’t able to digest any real food because some of the best recipes I can think of include garlic. I’m pretty sure this has everything to do with image again. They want people to fear them for their presence, not recoil from bad breath.
8. Aichmophobia (sharp objects): Every kid is taught to not run with sharp objects. In the case of vampires specifically, maybe they need some PSAs with safety reminders on how to carry wooden sticks. I can only imagine how they’d react to a splinter.
7. Staurophobia (crucifixes): Or maybe it’s actually symbolophobia, the fear of symbolism. Like what sparkles represent in the decline of terror in vampire lore.
6. Hydrophobia (water): Holy water to be exact. Combined with the previous fear, I suspect they’re also theophobic (aka afraid of religion). Which is probably another reason why they can’t win round 2, what with the holidays upon us. Want to date a vampire? Forget about ever checking out Vatican City. And trust me, the Sistine Chapel is something you want to see IRL.
5. Enochlophobia (crowds): If we’re being honest here, it’s not just the angry mobs. Crowds are simply too bourgeois for vampires.
4. Arsonphobia (fire): The very thing that defines human civilization is the thing that vampires shun. Without fire we would never have come out from our caves. Kind of a slap in the face to human society to shun our humble yet innovative beginnings, isn’t it? You think you’re too good for our fire, vampires? Well, maybe our blood is too good for you, too.
3. Argyrophobia (silver): True, werewolves have a similar fear of silver. In bullet form. Kind of a big difference between that and a little bit of bling.
2. Traumatophobia (injury): Considering all the fears above, no wonder vampires only come out at night. They must be nervous wrecks.
1. Commitmentphobia: A word of advice to vampires here. Nobody likes a person, undead or not, who commits a dine and dash. In the words of Beyoncé, “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.”
So, there you have it. A roundup of why vampires should truly be henceforward known as wimpires and lose to the awesome prowess of werewolves.
Keep posted for details of round 3 of the (un) Death-Match smackdown tomorrow.