Vampires have been resting on their laurels for entirely too long. Take for instance, their reliance on the fame of Count Dracula to bolster their street cred. According to Wikipedia, “Dracula is arguably one of the most famous villains in popular culture.” Well, we all know how reliable a Wikipedia entry can be. The line could easily have been written by Dracula himself.

Frankly, vamps, just because you’ve got staying power doesn’t make you rulers of the otherworld. When you kick back, make compromises, and stop paying attention to what the publishing industry and pop culture machine is doing while you’re pomading the hell out of your hair for the perfect bed head look, you wind up allowing others to dilute your brand.

Soulless cereal monger

In the end, the surest way to tell you’ve lost your soul isn’t that you’re undead. No, it’s when you see your face featured on a box of cereal. And there’s nothing you can do about it because your name is in the public freaking domain.

Let’s face it. Vampires have wimped out. They sparkle, they’re angsty and I can no longer tell them apart from the average emo adolescent. So, I think it’s time that we just call it like we see it and say that modern Nosferatu are, well, douchey little vampire kids.

Per se.

Sparknotes recently posted a list of 50 Things More Frightening Than Vampires. Not surprisingly, #2 on the list is werewolves. I’d like to make an addendum to the list. Possibly to replace the #1 item but I haven’t decided how I feel about cats that stare at the wall expectantly.

Without further ado….

[Drum roll]

The #1 (?) thing more frightening than vampires is:

A Twi-hard fan girl.

Yeah. I’ll leave you to think about that.


If you really and truly love vampires, the best thing for them at this point is for you to vote werewolf. Let another undead creature take the reins in pop culture for a little bit while vampires regroup and get their shit together.