Some say vampires are cold-blooded and therefore don’t require heating. Because they have great vision, they don’t require light. Some even say that because they can fly, vampires don’t even require transportation. These people want you to believe vampire lifestyle has a small carbon footprint.

Well, I have one word for all of you:

Lies.

Here’s what “they” don’t want you to think about:

Fact #1
Have you ever considered the amount of food waste that a single vampire creates? A human carcass, if not “turned over” to the undead world, is the equivalent of a human butchering an animal for it’s hide and discarding the rest of the carcass. Remember that buffalo hunt scene from Dances With Wolves? Keep that in mind the next time a member of the vampire coalition talks to you about the Green Vamp movement.

Nose to Tail Eating

Werewolves, on the other hand, believe in consuming the whole animal. They are the locavores of the undead world and stand behind books like The Whole Beast: Nose to Tail Eating by Fergus Henderson.

A word to vampires: just because you’re undead doesn’t mean you have to be environmental douchebags.

Fact #2
Ever see a shoddily dressed vampire? No. You know why? Because they’re the prima donnas of the otherworld. Unless they’re going through a Rock ‘n’ Roll phase, as some are apt to do, they’re not exactly shopping from Bono’s EDUN line of organic clothes. Decade after decade, they follow one crazy trend after another.

Where, you might ask, do werewolves shop? Value Village and other second hand retailers. It’s not just because of the wear and tear of their everyday lives. It just makes sense. If you’re going to roam the world indefinitely, there’s no need of amassing material goods. Life is more about the simple pleasures of running free in the wild without inhibitions or priceless heirlooms and clothes to encumber your movement.

Fact #3
Werewolves are endangered. (Thanks to @danredding from Twitter for bringing this startling fact to my attention). OK, this doesn’t really have anything to do with vampires.

Or does it?

After centuries of ecological insensitivity by vampires, werewolf habitat is being lost at an alarming rate. Please go to Save the Werewolves to, well, save the werewolves. And remember to vote here for werewolves (over on the left of this page) and vote frequently.

Most importantly, don’t fall for the green movement the vampire mouthpieces are nattering on about. It’s all lies.

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