So while Deanna’s still away (for the longest long weekend ever), I’m going to seize the opportunity to score some really, really cheap points.
What I want to make absolutely 100% clear is that voting for vampires is not only wrong (and makes kittens cry), but it is also un-Canadian.
Vampires, with their aristocratic airs, flouncy capes, nice hair, delightful European accents, fancy chateaus, and fine art collections, are the pretentious, latte-sipping fops of the undead.
While you’re out working hard, paying taxes for universal health-care and rustling up change for a coffee, vampires are at some gala event with Sean Penn, dining on virgins.
Vampires are rich, devious and preening, and they’re drinking frothy decaffeinated soy-beverages (infused with the blood of orphans) that they didn’t even pay for.
Vampires think they’re better than you.
Just think — When was the last time you saw a vampire in hockey skates? I’ll tell you — NEVER. Do they even make mouth-guards for fangs? I don’t think so. And besides, wearing helmets would ruin their hair.
Not only that, but vampires — notoriously uncomfortable crossing large bodies of water — don’t like canoes. THEY DON’T LIKE CANOES PEOPLE! Hating canoes is like hating Canada.
VAMPIRES. HATE. CANADA.
Zombies may not be handsome or sophisticated, but at least you know where you are with them.
Zombies are honest. They’re not going to whisper sweet nothings in your ear before tearing out your jugular (and killing your mom and dad). They’ll just tear out your jugular (kill your mom, dad and the neighbours) and move on. Job done.
Zombies won’t pretend to like your really awful poetry before trying to suck your brain out through your nose, and shambling onto their next victim. They could give you a grant for the poetry, but no, they’re just going to kill you and spare the rest of us from your terrible verse. No. Need. To. Be. Fancy.
And zombies don’t mind if you hit them in the face with a shovel — they’ll just think it’s a sign of affection and keep coming at you anyway. Aww…
Relentless? Yes. Hardworking? Yes. Show-offs in fancy clothes listening to emo. No.
And just think how hilarious zombies playing hockey would be. Zombies on ice — it’s like the best musical ever, with NHL sanctioned violence. Awesome.
So what if zombies don’t like our cold Canadian winters? Who does? And hey, they love nothing more than spending the summer up at an isolated cottage in the woods and being attacked with axes. What could be more Canadian than that?
A VOTE FOR ZOMBIES IS A VOTE FOR CANADA!