So, it looks like viral vampires have overthrown dachshunds by a mere 5 per cent in the poll thus ending my undefeated status here at (un) Death-Match. To commemorate this moment, I made a video for David.

OK, I know it’s close. All day the polls have wavered by just a few percentage points between victory for dachshunds and victory for viral vampires.

It may be that desperate times call for desperate measures. But, really, David? The best you can come up with is that viral vampires are dachshund corpse jewelers? You just made sparkling vampires around the globe shake their heads at the state of bloodsucker affairs. For the record, I want you to run away, viral vampires. Not traipse around a runway with your messed up fashion statement.

As the talented Nic Boshart contends in a follow-up piece of MS Paint artwork, your creature of choice is suffering from a VIRUS. It makes a human ugly to look at but can’t spread to my dog.

FTW?

FTW? I think not.

Vote on the left for dachshunds!

Leave a pro-dachshund (or, if you must, pro-viral vampire) comment here to win prizes! You have until midnight ET.

Cute? Yes. Vicious, NO. The Dachshund is inferior in every way to the viral vampire. Cuteness dies in the face of horror; blood, snot, and viscera. The final day of voting is here for Viral Vampires versus (barf) Dachshunds. And if you had ANY doubts who would win in an out-and-out fight, well, dogs make nice jewellery, especially ones with dead eyes:

OK. I’m not pulling any punches here. It’s no holds barred because today is the final day to get your votes in to support the anatomically perfect, literal underdogs and weapons of mass destruction that are dachshunds.

Also, you’ll want to get your comments in to be entered into our contest for free stuff like these dachshund note cards and Justin Cronin’s The Passage. Just let us know why you think dachshunds or viral vampires should win. Closes at midnight ET.

Here’s an artist’s rendition of dachshund victory by my talented friend, Nic Boshart, at FTPubW:

WARNING

NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

FTW

Ball’s in your court, David. Just don’t say “fetch” like the guy in the picture above did.

Barring a viral outbreak of Justin Cronin vampire proportions, humans face the very real fears of things like terrorist organizations, youth crime, biker gangs, etc. So, it came as no surprise to me when I read about a student throwing a puppy at a group of Hells Angels. Why? Well, how much money do you want to bet it was a dachshund?

As I’ve mentioned already, dachshunds have a long and distinguished history of hunting to take down specific prey.

A double-barreled shotgun & dachshund

What I’m about to share with you in classified information, people. Recently, when the Dachshund U.N. convened they weren’t just talking about the “Eradication of Hot Dog Costumes for the Advancement of Dachshund Dignity.”

A sign of hope for dogs and mankind

No, they were talking about “Special Ops and Tactics in Preparation for Saving Dachshund’s BFF (a.k.a. Humankind).” Discussions included, but were not limited to, an overview of Surface-to-Air-Dachshund (S.T.A.D.) technology and aerial hunting capabilities.

In fact, these little canines are considered so dangerous, that these signs have been seen:

Dachshund Free Zone

Finally, viral vampires have hearts, too. Nowhere have I read of one being able to take down a face like this:

❤ melts...

Remember to leave a comment on any of the dacshund vs. viral vampire blog posts for a chance to win very! cool! prizes! Also, go vote for the four-legged on the left side of this page.

Happy Hump-day from unDeathMatch!

Literally.

My esteemed colleague here at (un) Death-Match has argued eloquently on the matter of viral vampires vs. dachshunds. I will grant him my four-legged friends are the underdogs in this round. May I remind anyone who believes this is a situation that marks the demise of the dachshund in these proceedings that other underdogs have come out on top in the past:

Nobody expected Cujo to keep that family stuck in their car for three days.

Nobody expected Snoopy to be capable of shooting down the Red Baron thus ending the First World War.

Nobody expected Benji to outsmart the hunters.

And nobody expected Timmy to really be stuck in that well. (Or that Lassie had some kung fu moves.)

The moral? Every dog has his day.

So let sleeping dogs lie, viral vamps. Let. Them. Lie.

(Make your vote count for dachshunds on the upper left side of this page. Also, all comments on the viral vampire vs. dachshund debate are being entered into a contest to win cool stuff.)

A Treatise Concerning the Superiority and Presence of Fear Inescapable of the species Homo Sapiens Sapiens Vampirus Viralis over that Most Inferior and Oddly shaped sub-Species of Canis Familiaris, the Dachshund.

Part the Second – The Origins of Homo Sapiens Sapiens Vampirus Viralis in the Literature of the Colonies: Legendarum sum, or I Am Legend

It has recently come to my Attention, that the argument for the Dachshund, and its Base and Cute-driven proclivities has Taken a turn for what Ms Kruger has Labelled “Scientifick”. I Cough and Sputter at said Statements, and instead Turn you towards the Writings, most Interesting and Terrifying, of a Mr Richard Matheson of California, formerly New Jersey, by way of Norwegian extraction, the Colonies.


In the mid-1950s, Matheson brought to Us a work of seminal Horror and Brutality, akin to Dracula in terms of its Influence and Role in the world of Vampirick fiction. The Book, and I Tip my Hat to Mr Matheson’s Brilliant and Excellent choice of Words most Simple and effective, is entitled I Am Legend, and is a Classic of the Genre, influencing many a Book, Moving Picture (the Horrible excrescence The Omega Man, notwithstanding – I promise you, Gentle Reader, that there exists in the Book not a single Mention, either implied or forthright, of a Hot Rod). The Premise is Simple, albeit terrifying: the Apocalypse has come to the Near Future, and a Certain Mr Neville does his Best to survive in a World overrun by the Plague to end all Plagues: Vampirism.

While I have referenced the Toxick biologickal origins of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis as it refers to Disease, paying particular attention to those of Sexual origin, I Am Legend presents what I believe to be the First example of a World overrun with Vampires (certainly not a base sub-Species of canine familiaris), and of the Social and Apocalyptick themes and Tropes bound up in this Lofty Theme. A fáth airicc, indeed, though I doubt Mr Matheson is at All aware of the previously Mentioned Celtick literary term (apparently, Literary Terms need not all necessarily be of Gallic or Germanic Origin, offering no Offense to my Compatriots across the Ocean in the Halls of Paris or Berlin, excepting, for the Moment, their entirely useless Teams of Foot-the-ball).

The Book was also Made into a Moving Picture itself, with Will Smith as the the main Actor, and in many ways, he was the entirety of the Dramatis Personæ. The Film, and it is not without Merit, for it is terrifying and full of Horror, differs from the Book in a truly Substantial Way. The Vampires in I Am Legend are Cogent and in full Possession of Their Critical faculties, if somewhat Twisted and Debased by the Presence of the Vampirick Disease within their Bloodstreams. Those in the Film are far more Akin to Zombies, another Horrifying creature (and certainly More brutal and blood-Curdling than the squat, sausage-shape Dachshund), though Far more Powerful (please Recall, that the Zombie, by itself, is a Containable Creature – it is far easier to Control, and even Subdue, when in Small Numbers – the threat of the Zombie, is, of course, the Horde). They exist in Vast Numbers.

The Horde, of course, is the True terror of the Viral Vampire. While many Books and Moving Pictures, and many of them are quite Wonderful, if terror-Inducing, have Spent a great Deal focusing on the Vampire as a Solitary Creature of nocturnal Disposition, those of the Viral sort Become all the more Brutal when One Considers their Sheer numbers. There are over Six Billion people on Earth, and the threat of Disease, especially of one which Turns the Populace into a Ravenous, blood-Craving Horde, cannot Help but remove vast Quantities of Humours from the Body, and cause the Hairs to Bleach, and even Eject themselves from the Body, to say Nothing of the Digestive Tract and its Associated Ejection System, but I leave that Entirely to Your imaginations.

Mr Matheson set the Groundwork for the Terror, and to him I tip my hat, yet Again. The Dachshund is, at Best, a sub-Species, and its Numbers come nowhere Close to the possibility of Total Infection. While Canis familiaris is a Pack animal, and I do Acknowledge this, the Dachshund is Hardly threatening the Countryside in Vast numbers of slathering Beasts. The Premise of Homo sapiens sapiens vampirus viralis induces Fear by the conception of both the Apocalypse and Simple Mathematicks. Every person, every man, woman, and Child, is a Potential victim in the Presence of a Vampirick plague; and the Dachshund falls Flat. Leave it to its Tunnel-boring and Badger-hunting, because That is where the Viral Vampire will find it. And it will find it.

All 6,000,000,000 of them.

As anyone who has a dachshund in their life can attest, these little dogs may look funny compared to other dogs, but they should not be under-estimated. You know, the very way that a certain someone here has done.

Believe it or not, dachshunds were bred as hunting dogs. Their very name instills fear in their prey. And we’re not just talking rats. No, dachs in German refers to badgers, the vampires of the animal kingdom. And that “half a dog tall, two dogs long” shape has a distinct purpose. One that could be easily re-purposed for taking down not just Bunnicula but also viral vampires.

It may be easy to laugh at their little bodies, but other foe have done so…to their demise.

Remember, friends of dachshunds, vote for the four-legged at the top left of this page.

And don’t forget that we’re running a contest during this mini-round. Best comments for pro-dachshund and pro-viral vampire will win cool stuff.

Meg Cabot‘s Insatiable is finally on sale and to celebrate this wonderfully hilarious supernatural tale so are three book trailers.

Insatiable is the story of Meena Harper (a vampire non-believer) who meets and falls in love with Lucien Antonescu (a vampire). Meena has the ability to see how people are going to die (not that anyone believes her anyway) but since Lucien is already dead, he could be the prefect guy for her. Right? Maybe not.

Meena thought Lucien had everything she ever wanted in a boyfriend but it seems he is turning into a nightmare…

Start reading Insatiable now

Watch bloopers from the filming of the book trailers here

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