Top 10 Werewolves in TV & Film

[We've got a list of top vampire and zombie movies floating around on the (un) Death-Match site. Well, it's high time that we take a look at werewolves. My lovely friend from The Dartmouth Soundsystem agreed to shower the site with her expertise in this area. She takes a look at werewolves on the big and little screen.]

By Lauren Oostveen

Twilight has made a bold attempt to turn vampires into wimps, and with that mopey sequel in theatres, werewolves are getting the pre-teen treatment, too. Alas. I fear for the youth of today.

For your benefit, here are some facts you should know about werewolves:

1. A werewolf would eat you.
2. A werewolf doesn’t care about your feelings.
3. A werewolf won’t hold your hand while you cry.
4. Lon Chaney Jr. > Taylor Lautner times ONE MILLION.
5. Benecio Del Toro > Taylor Lautner…and I haven’t seen The Wolf Man remake, yet! My assumption is based off of the ridiculous poster. See:

BAD ASS.

If you agree with the statements above…then read on! Here are a few of my favourite werewolves in television and film.

1. An American Werewolf in London
We have many things to thank John Landis for (and a few things to loath him for). My personal favourite of his is An American Werewolf in London, which successfully merges horror and comedy to create a really fun film. Two American backpackers are travelling around the UK when they’re attached by a mysterious beast. Don’t go out to the moors at night, OK?

2. Ginger Snaps
Growing up sucks! Two creepy sisters, Ginger and Bridgitte, are having fun being morbid and stuff when A) Ginger gets her period for the first time and B) Is subsequently bitten by a werewolf. Isn’t puberty the worst? As Ginger gets scarier and scarier, her sister tries to find a way to cure her. Awesome Canadian film!

3. The Wolf Man
This film is like the Holy Bible of werewolf flicks. It introduced the notion that a silver bullet can kill a werewolf, that they are forced to change under a full moon, and that they are supposedly marked with a pentagram. Lon Chaney Jr. portrays a man who goes to visit his ancestral home when he is attacked by a werewolf. His performance in this film is chock full of guilt and torment, leaving the audience more sympathetic than scared. The make-up in this movie is ridiculous, especially when you account for it being 1941 and all.

4. The Howling
Joe Dante, I love you! Please do a sequel to The ‘burbs. Another great 1980s werewolf movie. A TV news anchor heads to a commune-esque clinic to take a break after being traumatized by a serial killer. Fun party, right? NOPE. Straaaaaaange things happen once she arrives. What she doesn’t know is that there is a “den” of werewolves nearby…dun dun DUNNNN.

5. Wolfen
OK, so they’re not really werewolves…just really smart wolves who decide they’re hungry for MAN FLESH. Features kind of heavy-handed social commentary and views of urban decay in New York City. If that doesn’t interest you, your boyfriend Edward James Olmos is in it.

6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Seth Green plays an introspective teenager named Oz who plays lead guitar in Dingos Ate My Baby and turns into a werewolf every once in a while. By dating Willow the witch, he becomes part of the Scooby Gang until things go decidedly bad and he leaves town. Oz is mostly well behaved and only occasionally eats people.

7. The Hilarious House of Frightenstein
This amazing 1970s Canadian kids show had a cast of creepy characters, but The Wolfman stood out for me as being the best. The guy has a bunch of things going for him…he’s a DJ, he gets to listen to Sly and the Family Stone all day, sports a fashionable beard, and has excellent dance parties with Igor. Lucky.

8. Werewolves on Wheels
A biker gang smashes up the monastery of some Satan-worshipping monks. OH NO! But the monks have a trick up their sleeve, as they have turned one of the biker chicks into a werewolf via their evil powers…with dire results, mwahahha.

9. Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too
Michael J. Fox is an average guy, but then he turns into a werewolf and is a BASKETBALL STAR and A TOTAL STUD. But what he wants most is to be normal. Sigh.
Jason Bateman stars in the so-bad-it’s-kinda-good sequel with basically the same plot. Except he’s in college. And the sport is boxing. OK.

10. Dog Soldiers
British soldiers are on a training operation in Scotland, which, unfortunately, is overrun with werewolves. And the full moon is rising. Well, darn it. The soldiers fight for their lives as they attempt to live through the night. A pretty tense movie with lots of jumpy moments.

Vampires? Pfft…More Like Wimpires

Vampires have been resting on their laurels for entirely too long. Take for instance, their reliance on the fame of Count Dracula to bolster their street cred. According to Wikipedia, “Dracula is arguably one of the most famous villains in popular culture.” Well, we all know how reliable a Wikipedia entry can be. The line could easily have been written by Dracula himself.

Frankly, vamps, just because you’ve got staying power doesn’t make you rulers of the otherworld. When you kick back, make compromises, and stop paying attention to what the publishing industry and pop culture machine is doing while you’re pomading the hell out of your hair for the perfect bed head look, you wind up allowing others to dilute your brand.

Soulless cereal monger

In the end, the surest way to tell you’ve lost your soul isn’t that you’re undead. No, it’s when you see your face featured on a box of cereal. And there’s nothing you can do about it because your name is in the public freaking domain.

Let’s face it. Vampires have wimped out. They sparkle, they’re angsty and I can no longer tell them apart from the average emo adolescent. So, I think it’s time that we just call it like we see it and say that modern Nosferatu are, well, douchey little vampire kids.

Per se.

Sparknotes recently posted a list of 50 Things More Frightening Than Vampires. Not surprisingly, #2 on the list is werewolves. I’d like to make an addendum to the list. Possibly to replace the #1 item but I haven’t decided how I feel about cats that stare at the wall expectantly.

Without further ado….

[Drum roll]

The #1 (?) thing more frightening than vampires is:

A Twi-hard fan girl.

Yeah. I’ll leave you to think about that.

*shudder*

If you really and truly love vampires, the best thing for them at this point is for you to vote werewolf. Let another undead creature take the reins in pop culture for a little bit while vampires regroup and get their shit together.

File Under: A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we were bringing our SO’s into the conversation.

Well, here’s a breakdown of the discussion that I had with my husband the other night on the merits of vampire vs. werewolf:

SRSLY.

Oh Werewolves, You’re So, Like Human

So, as of late, the arguments coming from my lovely counterparts here on The Undeath Match have said the following about vampires:

1. They hate the environment.

2. They are pretentious.

3. They hate Canada, kittens and women.

I’m not even going to front any more. I’m not going to get all cheeky and witty and wordy. I’m just going to say one thing: vampires aren’t human. When you come right down to it, it’s probably the very best thing about them. But why? I mean there are obvious disadvantages to being undead, primarily, you know, the whole being dead thing.

Well, right now both Kimberly and myself are suffering from a really nasty cold that’s got us laid up and miserable. A sore throat, a lot of coughing, some gross phlegm. Being sick is honestly kind of sick. All those gross bugs (like the common cold bug below) crawling microscopically around inside your throat, your stomach, your lungs. I mean, ew.

I’ll bet dollars to donuts that not a single vampire would have to go through the utter disgrace of having runny nose, sore throat, or a hacking cough once a season. No vampire would be forced to endure the frustration of standing in line for hours for an H1N1 vaccination. You know why? They’re not human.

Conversation between Deanna and her husband last night:

“Honey, are werewolves immortal?”

“No, why would they be? They’re  human. They’re shapeshifters but they’re human.”

Huh.

I guess that means werewolves can catch all manner of viruses, from the common cold to the dreaded H1N1. They’re sniffling, sneezing, body-ripping wolfy cesspools of germs. It’s bad enough they’ll try to kill you, but good grief, on top of everything, they can still give you a cold too.

#1 reason why vampires remain superior? They won’t give me a cold.

Vampires Hate The Environment

Some say vampires are cold-blooded and therefore don’t require heating. Because they have great vision, they don’t require light. Some even say that because they can fly, vampires don’t even require transportation. These people want you to believe vampire lifestyle has a small carbon footprint.

Well, I have one word for all of you:

Lies.

Here’s what “they” don’t want you to think about:

Fact #1
Have you ever considered the amount of food waste that a single vampire creates? A human carcass, if not “turned over” to the undead world, is the equivalent of a human butchering an animal for it’s hide and discarding the rest of the carcass. Remember that buffalo hunt scene from Dances With Wolves? Keep that in mind the next time a member of the vampire coalition talks to you about the Green Vamp movement.

Nose to Tail Eating

Werewolves, on the other hand, believe in consuming the whole animal. They are the locavores of the undead world and stand behind books like The Whole Beast: Nose to Tail Eating by Fergus Henderson.

A word to vampires: just because you’re undead doesn’t mean you have to be environmental douchebags.

Fact #2
Ever see a shoddily dressed vampire? No. You know why? Because they’re the prima donnas of the otherworld. Unless they’re going through a Rock ‘n’ Roll phase, as some are apt to do, they’re not exactly shopping from Bono’s EDUN line of organic clothes. Decade after decade, they follow one crazy trend after another.

Where, you might ask, do werewolves shop? Value Village and other second hand retailers. It’s not just because of the wear and tear of their everyday lives. It just makes sense. If you’re going to roam the world indefinitely, there’s no need of amassing material goods. Life is more about the simple pleasures of running free in the wild without inhibitions or priceless heirlooms and clothes to encumber your movement.

Fact #3
Werewolves are endangered. (Thanks to @danredding from Twitter for bringing this startling fact to my attention). OK, this doesn’t really have anything to do with vampires.

Or does it?

After centuries of ecological insensitivity by vampires, werewolf habitat is being lost at an alarming rate. Please go to Save the Werewolves to, well, save the werewolves. And remember to vote here for werewolves (over on the left of this page) and vote frequently.

Most importantly, don’t fall for the green movement the vampire mouthpieces are nattering on about. It’s all lies.

The Ultimate Undeath Match Contest Winners

Thanks to everyone who entered our Ultimate Undeath Match contest, and serious props to those of you trying to score brownie points by mentioning The Strain as one of the scariest books you’ve ever read. Take heed both zombie and werewolf defenders: neither Pride + Prejudice + Zombies nor Bitten were books that make people shake and shiver as they read. Vampires. Rule.

Here are the winners:

Gabriella Schmidt
Burnaby, BC

Lisa Penney
Toronto, ON

Sarah Campoli
Brampton, ON

Susan Francis
Brantford, ON

Mary Danieli
Burnaby, BC

Congratulations all!

Vampires + Bats = Guano

Yeah, it’s true. Werewolf fiction doesn’t appear anywhere on the top 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die. In fact, the closest thing would be entry #684: Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse. It’s about a solitary man who “struggles to reconcile the wild primeval wolf and the rational man within himself without surrendering to the bourgeois values he despises.”

Huh. That kind of sounds familiar.

You know why? Because werewolf fiction is about the human freaking condition, people. It examines the struggle between animal instinct and human reason. It’s deep stuff. Maybe so deep that it scares certain list-makers from even considering these great titles. And, in fact, you can see the underlying motif of human versus wolf psyche in plenty of classic fiction: the Story Of Little Red Riding Hood, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (#820), even the great Alexandre Dumas wrote a novel called The Wolf-Leader about a deal gone awry between a man and wolves.

Yawn, indeed

Unlike vampire fiction which is filled with obvious references—yes, we get it: you’re evil, beautiful AND tormented—werewolf fiction isn’t always interested in the literary equivalent of a blazing Klieg light.

So, yeah, maybe books specifically about werewolves didn’t make it to the 1001 list but I’m pretty sure the editor Peter Boxall is a proponent of the vampire agenda anyway. Why else the glaring omissions?

Besides, the whole vampire turning into bats thing is clearly a rip-off of werewolves and their shape-shifting ability. Which is complete bullshit if you ask me. Or should I say batshit (aka guano)?

I’m just sayin’.

What’s That Howling At The Moon? Yawn.

I guess you’ll notice I’ve been conspicuously quiet over these last two weeks. I’ve got the same excuses, yes, I’m busy, but so is everyone. Mainly, I’ve been curious to see how the werewolves have yelped onto cyberspace in terms of this latest undeath match up. Nice try Twitter peeps on the #undeathmatch shout outs for werewolves. It’s lovely to see that there’s more than just howling at the moon going on.

However. Yawn.

Admittedly, I haven’t read Kelley Armstrong. And @tanlight assures me that she makes werewolves seriously hot and even kind of sexy, which is why I’ve got Bitten on my nightstand to be read this weekend. But here’s the rub: where are all the other werewolves in literature and can they honestly say they’ve had the literary longevity of oh, say, the vampire?

(And no, I’m not talking about the “history” employed by she who will not be named in a book that shall not be mentioned that starts with a “T” and ends with a “wilight.”)

Let’s talk about the best of the best here people. The lists to end all lists. The books that made a difference to our overall understanding of what makes for great literature. The books that Hollywood loves to repeatedly ruin (oh, Francis Ford Coppola, I adore you, but you know I’m looking at you.) and ruin. And ruin (poor Dorian Gray was never the same). Where is the beastly werewolf in literature? Where’s the seminal werewolf book that made it on to the 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die list. Oh. Wait. There isn’t one. But what’s that knocking on the door of my pristine ivory tower?

Hello #794, Dracula, my dear friend.

Dracula's First Edition

So while all the hairy beasts are outside catching fleas and howling at the moon, I’m going to crack open the spine, sup on a glass of wine, and appreciate the literary value vampires bring to this whole equation.

Oh, and werewolves might be winning in the poll for the moment, let me just remind all of you that vampires came from behind last time too.

Vampire vs. Werewolf: The Great Literary Divide

It’s widely known that’s there’s a distinctly pro-vampire agenda in the news media. Google the undead and I’ll bet you find vampires high up on the list if not at the top (thanks for ruining it for the rest of the supernaturals, Robert Pattinson). Well, it all came to a head last week when the sympathizers at the Giller Prize invited a vampire to the party.

Vote werewolf today!

I may not be the only one who thought the gesture went too far in furthering the vampire cause. Just a few days after the announcement, Walrus Magazine printed an article on Kelley Armstrong entitled “Dances with Werewolves.”

Coincidence? I think not.

Lines have been drawn in the sand, literary peeps.

Bookworms are uniting. (You seriously don’t want to mess with us. We know things. From reading about them.)

Take a stand for the underdog (literally) and speak up for werewolves who have been underrepresented in the news and books for far too long.

As the writer of the Walrus article points out:

“The werewolf is a stronger, wilder figure: if vampires, witches, and ghosts represent the emotional and spiritual aspects of contemporary life, werewolves allude to our physical nature.”

Meaning: Vampires are sulky and introspective; werewolves are hot.

The tides are turning.

Vote werewolf today (over there on the left column). Spread the word. Show your badge of courage.

Full Moon Frenzy Contest Winners

So, a full moon has come and gone and you answered my call to tell Deanna why werewolves rule and will utterly kill this match. Thank you, trusted minions. (Can I call you minions yet? Too soon?)

For those who answered the call, you were entered into a draw to win one of 10 copies of Kelley’s Armstrong’s Bitten. Congratulations to all the randomly selected winners and thanks to everyone who entered!

Here are some Twitter entries to offer a just a glimpse of why werewolves are so freaking amazing that I don’t understand why this match is even happening. Right?

Full moon frenzy contest tweets

Keep posted here and on Twitter for another Full Moon Frenzy contest. Guess when?